No More Silent Suffering: 5 Tools for Adult Daughters Who Love Their Mothers But Carry the Weight of Unresolved Pain

Adult Daughter and Mother relationships are not alway as simple and happy as it is presented in these social media streets. For many women, our relationship with our mothers can be sacred and strained. The relationship can be a great source of love. For others it can be a great source of pain. And for some, a combination of the two. For too many however, there is silent suffering. For anyone who has been struggling to acknowledge any pain or tension, and/or need a starter kit to navigate through It, this blog is for you.

Many adult daughters love and care for their mothers deeply—and still carry unspoken wounds due to years of emotional mis-attunement, unhealed generational trauma, and unmet needs. There are many reasons that can explain why our mothers can cause pain and some Include:

• values misalignment due to generational differences

• emotional unavailability/immaturity

•  jealously

• a clash of personality traits

• dysfunctional cultural norms

•  an inability or unwillingness to shift to a different type of relationship during adulthood

  
  

These dynamics didn’t start with our mothers. They are rooted in historical trauma passed down from generations of Black women who were forced to suppress their needs for survival and struggle with showing up differently for their own daughters. As a result, adult daughters often struggle with:

• Unresolved Childhood Wounds: Many of us grew up being parented by women who were in survival mode. Emotional neglect, harsh discipline, or the absence of open communication left us to interpret love through silence or sacrifice.

  
  

• The Burden of Unspoken Expectations: There’s often a quiet pressure to be the “good daughter”—successful, self-sufficient, emotionally available, and unquestioning. But rarely do we feel seen as we are, separate from what we do.

  
  

• Negatively Impacted Mental Health: Mental health wasn’t talked about in our families. The generational silence, the myth that therapy was “for white folks,” and emotional vulnerability being mistaken for weakness worked together to negatively Impact our mental health and well-being.

  
  

• Enmeshment or Emotional Distance: Some daughters feel overly responsible for their mothers’ emotional needs. Others experience deep emotional distance, where conversations stay surface-level and intimacy feels impossible.

We can stay stuck in the pain points above longer than we should for many reasons. One of which is the harsh reality that Black culture does not give us much room to voice our challenges with our mothers without reminding us that the bible Instructs us to "honor our mothers and our days will be longer." Or, take the step to get professional help without that little intrusive thought popping up to reprimand us for "talking about what happened in this house with folks outside of this house." Or, create some distance to heal without an elder or family member reminding you that "you only get one mother" and God forbid something happens to her In the midst of taking space for our healing journey.

All of these deeply rooted cultural messages serve as barriers to get the support we need, find peace, and/or explore If a better version of the relationship is possible. The reality is we will need space to heal when our mothers have not gone on their own healing journey. We often wrestle with how to stay in connection with our mothers when they have/are causing pain, while also honoring the boundaries and healing we need for ourselves. I have seen far too many adult daughters, myself Included, stay stuck in the tension and pain that comes with the journey of healing. That Is because we don't have permission, tools, or a roadmap of how to stay connected (if we choose to) AND honor the boundaries we need to heal. Having come out on the other side of healing, I want to affirm that joy and peace are possible, and share a starter kit to pop off that journey.

If you are an adult daughter who loves your mother but still carry the weight of unresolved pain, I want you to:

1. Acknowledge and Affirm. If you're feeling hurt, confused, or guilty for wanting distance or deeper connection—you’re not alone.You are allowed to name the pain and still love her.

   
   

2. Create a Healthy Space By Creating Boundaries. You can set boundaries without cutting ties. You can choose healing even if your mother never joins you there. Create a healthy space for yourself by setting time and emotional boundaries.

   
   

3. Identify if the Relationship is Strained or Toxic. What’s the Difference?

   • Strained relationships can involve misunderstandings, emotional distance, or hurtful patterns—but there’s still a foundation of care, a willingness to try, or potential for healthy boundaries.

   • Toxic relationships involve persistent emotional harm, manipulation, gaslighting, or abuse, where your safety and identity are consistently threatened.

   Naming this distinction allows you to make aligned choices: Repair, redefine—or release.

   
   

4. Begin to-Re-Imagine. You very well may have to grieve the reality of what you hoped your relationship would be. But acceptance doesn't mean resignation. You don't have to dread phone calls. You can learn how to speak your truth without shrinking. You can release the guilt of not being the “perfect daughter.” You can build the kind of relationship—whether with your mother or others—that reflects who you are, not just where you came from. It starts with re-imagining before you can see it.

   
   

5. Find Mothering Through Community. Your mother may not be willing, capable, or interested in showing up differently or meeting your needs, but that doesn't mean you can't find it in community with other willing women. Find and lean into your village.

   
   
   
   

   Pro Tip: Remember that these tools are part of your starter kit to help you cope. The work to healing is in no way simple or has a quick solution. Some pain requires professional help. Don't be afraid to seek it out.

   
   

   As a final thought, our relationships with our mothers set the blueprint for our relationships with others, and therefore we can find ourselves stuck in some unhealthy patterns. If you feel you may be re-creating some of the same patterns and causing the same pain for yourself and others that you've experienced, I would like to Invite you to Subscribe to our email series for relational and emotinal wellness for weekly tools, reflections, and exclusive invites to break out of these patterns. Be in community with other women navigating the same terrain. You don’t have to figure this out alone.