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Having relationship problems? I feel bad for you, son. There can be 99 reasons why, and any of these 4 could be one.


Hit me! See what I did there? LOL.

Ok lets get into it. Healthy relationship are essential for us to thrive. But let's be real. Relationships can be challenging, and usually bring 99 problems. It's not the problems In and of themselves that pose the threat to us having the healthy relationships we need to thrive. It's these 4 common challenges we struggle with that contribute to use getting stuck in unwanted outcomes, and feeling discouraged about our capacity to have the rich and fulfilling relationships we all crave as humans.

The first, our relationship patterns. Our patterns can be our actual behaviors like how we speak to others, handle conflict, process difficult emotions, express interest and discontent, and pick romantic partners. Our patterns can also be our unspoken codes of conduct that are driven by our assumptions. In the world of psychology, we call these codes of conduct our relationships scripts. We all enter into relationships with a script- a set of rules and assumptions about ourselves, others, and the way we should "do relationships." But the thing about relationship scripts is that they come from our our lived experiences. Our lived experiences are just that, ours. Which means it is not always universal and therefore not applicable to all types of people, relationships, and relevant to each phase of our lives.


What happens when our lived experiences are limited? When our beliefs are based in half truths? Or, when our codes of conduct are passed down and outdated? Even worse, rooted in unhealthy biased and prejudiced norms? It leads to use repeating patterns and having poor relationships. If you're been experiencing repeated challenges in your relationships, It may be time to do a little digging into your patterns and scripts and see if it's time for some revisions.


Get you a sheet of paper and complete the following prompts:

  • in romantic relationships I find myself...

  • growing up, I learned that family relationships are..

  • when something is missing from the relationships I consider close, I usually..

  • in my professional relationships, I...

  • a common theme in my friendships is...


When you do some digging, you may uncover some of the ideals and messages you've received that shape how you move are outdated, and it's time to develop some new scripts that can renovate your relationships,


A second common challenge Is our relationship with vulnerability. Vulnerability is the feeling we get during times of uncertainty, risk, or emotional exposure.  This includes times when life prompts us to show our feelings and we’re not sure what people will think. Or times when we really care about something and expressing that means people will know that we’re sad or disappointed if It doesn’t work out. The challenge with vulnerability is that many of us have been taught that vulnerability equals weakness. That's not true no matter how deeply rooted in culture it may be.


Vulnerability requires courage; courage to talk about how we feel, ask for what we need, and choose to be ourselves rather than a persona of who we think we have to be. Vulnerability has to win when its in the ring fighting with our pride, or fear of rejection and abandonment. If you are having challenges in relationships, you may consider your relationship with vulnerability.


-are you honestly expressing how you feel?

-are you asking for the help you need?

-are you being your truest self?


If the answer to at least one of those questions Is no, I want to offer you a quote that may help you reconsider how you think about vulnerability:


"Vulnerability really means to be strong and secure enough within yourself that you are able to walk outside without your armor on. You are able to show up in life as just you. That is genuine strength and courage. Armor may look tough, but all it does is mask insecurity and fear."  ~Alaric Hutchinson


Yes, vulnerability is risky. Meaning, there is a chance that your vulnerability will be mishandled. And if that occurs, then you will get more information you need to determine how you want to move next in that relationship.


A third common challenge to our relationship is our ability to Identify, communicate, and consistently assert boundaries. Boundaries are the limits we put in place to protect ourselves and our relationships. They are not punishment. Boundaries are also not about being super rigid or super passive. They are about being balanced. Boundaries are also about the expectations we have of ourselves and others and they must be clearly and consistently communicated. Boundaries should not just exist in your mind. Relationships can't thrive without heathy boundaries. If you're experiencing challenges in your relationships, you may consider:


-what are my limits In this relationship?

-have I communicated them?

-do I consistently assert my boundaries even when I feel uncomfortable?

-how do I pivot when the boundaries I've set are repeatedly not respected?


Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab is a great resource to help you take a deeper dive!


The fourth common challenge we face In relationships Is how we manage conflict. Our mindset around conflict will Influence the actions or inaction we choose. Conflict is not the big bad woof. It should not be avoided, ignored, or dismissed. Conflict should be addressed head on with clear compassionate communication. We don't have to be passive, aggressive, or passive aggressive to address conflict. In fact, all 3 is what can get us into trouble. Facing conflict in healthy manner can improve our relationships and we can do so by:


-First, identifying which relationship(s) there Is conflict that needs addressing

-Second, Identifying the behaviors and concerns or interpersonal patterns that need to be addressed

-Third, writing down how the behaviors, concerns, and/or interpersonal patterns are impacting you

-Fourth, pin pointing what you want/ need to be different?

-Fifth, taking those concerns to the person you're in conflict with to address


Addressing these 4 challenges head on, with a curriculum, and in community is what we do in Black Women Thrive, our 6-week program that provides the blueprint to bridge the gap between the relationships you have and the healthy relationship you desire. If you're interested to learn more, schedule some girls time, and lets discuss!

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