You Are Not Their Healer Sis: Why 'Fixing' in Relationships is Wearing You Out!

Many Black women are struggling in relationships; plagued by fatigue, exhaustion, burnout, and resentment. These struggles are often a bi-product of not yet learning how to exercise emotional boundaries. Emotional boundaries can feel like abandonment or neglect for a lot of women, especially millennial and Gen X'ers. Why? Because many of us have been taught the bad habit of prioritizing others’ emotions and taking on the issues of the people we are In relationship as though they are our own. Though it will take some unlearning and practice, implementing emotional boundaries will improve your mental health and well-being and strengthen your relationships.

What Are Emotional Boundaries?

Emotional boundaries are the limits we put in place based on the understanding that each individual's emotions and well-being are their own responsibility. Though we may choose to support others through whatever challenges life throws at them, the choice is ours to make, and we are not responsible for others emotional well-being. Even in our support, we have limits that we need to respect for our good and the good of the relationship. Emotional Boundaries are essential for our mental health and well-being In every relationship; our friendships, marriage, and even with your children. The less healthy the relationship, the more emotional boundaries you'll likely need.

What are Some Signs We are Struggling with Emotional Boundaries?

You may not know exactly If you struggle with emotional boundaries but there will be signs! As Black women are leaning into the soft girl era, and on their 4 year sabbatical, we are still struggling in relationships with taking off our capes; still trying to "fix" those we love in our lives. How do we know we are trying to do too much 'fixing'?

• we have mental and emotional exhaustion and fatigue

• we struggle with feelings of guilt and often feel "we can do more"

• we begin to feel resentment in our relationships

• as we've become overly focused on the needs of others it has lead to our own unmet and unvoiced mental and emotional needs

• we began to feel anxiousness in relationships that require a lot from us

• we struggle with feelings of depression, sadness, and overwhelm

• we experience chronic stress and that leads to physical health challenges (remember that our bodies keep the score)

  
  

Do you resonate with any of these? If so, it's reflection time.

Go to the notes app on your phone. Write done the 5 people you talk to and spend the most time with. Next to their name, write down any of the signs on the above list that you experience when engaging with them. Now put a star by their name(s). This list may be your starter kit as to who you need to set some emotional boundaries with.

Now ask yourself how can you limit some of the emotional load you take on In those relationships? Time? Emotional output? Action? If you're struggling with that question, you're not alone.

Wives struggle in their marriage when they get the lines blurred between providing support to their partners (and this can include encouraging them to seek out professional support) and managing their partners emotions. Adult children struggle in their relationships with their emotionally immature parents when they began to do the emotional labor for their parents as opposed to support them as they learn how to do it for themselves. Women in leadership roles struggle at work when they are the person everyone "comes to for help" and quickly your colleagues problems is always yours to solve.

A Few Reasons Why We Struggle With Exercising Emotional Boundaries

There are plenty reasons we struggle with the process of setting emotional boundaries. Women are by nature nurturing. This makes us particularly vulnerable. Everything we are socialized with from an early age is about caring taking. And if we had to grow up early (also known as parentification), or had emotionally absent or immature parents, then learning how to manage others feelings and emotions became one of our first lessons growing up. One of your biggest learning curve of adulthood is learning how to set limits on the care taking. We haven't been taught just how thin the line is between caring for others and trying to fix them or carrying their emotional loads. Often we are doing the latter and believe that's what makes us good friends, partners, daughters, colleagues, and sisters. But it's not. It's the quickest route to poor mental health and strained relationships. Not to mention the growth that won't occur for those we are doing all the heavy lifting for.

It's challenging to unlearn that others feelings are not our responsibility, though we may feel strongly about helping them manage them. It's rather difficult to unlearn that that caring for others does not mean taking on their burdens.

Striking the right balance between caring for someone and not allowing their emotional issues to weigh us down can be tough but It Is possible. And I know what you're thinking right about now so let me help you with it.

Does Emotional Boundaries Mean You Are Neglectful and Selfishness?

No. You can love and care for someone deeply, be deeply committed to them and STILL have emotional boundaries. Having emotional boundaries does not mean:

• we don't love the people we're in relationship with

• we don't care about the people we are in relationship with

• we are selfish

• we are failing to honor our commitments or vows

Emotional boundaries mean we care deeply about ourselves and those we are in relationship with, and we are committed to doing what we can to helping ourselves and others thrive but setting healthy emotional limits.

Leaning Into Exercising Emotional Boundaries

So let's lean in with this new mindset. You're pushing up against years of messaging that is the complete opposite of what I outlined. So let's help you with a few affirmations to help you wrap your mind around it. Repeat after me:

-Practicing emotional boundaries will help improve my relationships.

-Practicing emotional boundaries may be challenging, but I will get better at it.

-Having emotional boundaries helps me support others while protecting my mental health and well-being.

After you're done, close yours eyes and visualize this quote from an anonymous author, "Imagine putting on a life jacket before entering deep waters. You can still offer help to others, but you need to ensure your own safety first."